Jokes (WARNING - may contain adult humour!)...

[Aceyone]

[Nickolas]

True story from a Facebook friend...........

One December day we found an old straggly cat at our door.

She was a sorry sight.

Starving, dirty, smelled terrible, skinny, and hair all matted down..

We felt sorry for her so we put her in a carrier and took her to the vet.

We didn't know what to call her so we named her 'Pussycat.'

The vet decided to keep her for a day or so.

He said he would let us know when we could come and get her.

My husband (the complainer) said, 'OK, but don't forget to wash her, she stinks.'

He reminded the vet that it was his WIFE (me) that wanted the dirty cat, not him.

My husband and my Vet don't see eye to eye.

The vet calls my husband 'El-Cheap-O', and my husband calls the vet 'El-Charge-O'.

They love to hate each other and constantly 'snipe' at one another,

with my husband getting in the last word on this particular occasion.

The next day my husband had an appointment with his doctor,

who is located in the same building, next door to the vet.

The GP's waiting room and office was full of people waiting to see the doctor.

A side door opened and the vet leaned in - he had obviously seen my husband arrive.

He looked straight at my husband and in a loud voice said, 'Your wife's pussy doesn't stink any more.

We washed and shaved it, and now she smells like a rose!

Oh, and, by the way, I think she's pregnant!

God only knows who the father is!'

Then he closed the door.

The silence was deafening.

Now THAT, my friends, is getting even!

[Aceyone]

[Nickolas]

Subject: Essex

Five blokes in an Audi Quattro arrived at the ferry checkpoint in Harwich, Essex.


Tracey, in her brand new uniform, stops them and tells them: "I can't let you on the ferry. It is illegal to have 5 people in a Quattro.
Quattro means four. One of you will have to get out and stay behind."

"Quattro is just the name of the car," the driver replies disbelievingly. "Look at the papers: this car is designed to carry five persons."


"You cannot pull that one on me. This is Tracey you're talking to
here," she replies with a smile. "Quattro means four. You have five
people in your car and you are therefore breaking the law. So I can't
let you onto the ferry. It's more than my job's worth to let you all
on."


The driver is now very cross and replies angrily, "I've had enough of
you. Call your supervisor over. I want to speak to someone with more
intelligence!"


"Sorry," responds Tracey, "but Sharon is busy with those two blokes in
the Fiat Uno."

[Aceyone]

An elderly man was stopped by the police around 2 AM and was asked where he was going at that time of night.
The man replied, "I'm on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late."

The officer then asked, "Really? Who's giving that lecture at this time of night?"

The man replied, "That would be my wife."

[Aceyone]

2 nuns driving late at night when all of a sudden a vampire jumps onto the windscreen and starts attacking them.
"Quick, show him your Cross"
"Oi, get of my f%^&*g car!"

Asked the bank teller if she could check my balance, she said, stand on one leg.

"My girlfriend, who is 27, asked me to run upstairs and have sex with her the other day and I said, look love, it is either one thing or the other at my age"

[Aceyone]

Who the hell is Dave you may ask, well…..?

Dave is the geezer who got home late one night and Marilyn his wife, says "Where the hell have you been?"

Dave replies "I was getting a tattoo!"

"A tattoo??" She frowned. "What kind of tattoo did you get?"

"I got a hundred quid note on my privates" he said proudly.

"What the hell were you thinking"? She said, shaking her head in disgust. "Why on earth would a Chartered Accountant get a hundred quid note tattooed on his privates?"

"Well, one, I like to watch my money grow.

Two, once in a while I like to play with my money.

Three, I like how money feels in my hand.

And, lastly, instead of you going out shopping, you can stay right here at home and blow a hundred quid anytime you want."

Dave is now in The Manchester Royal Infirmary, Critical Care Unit, Room 233.

No visitors until further notice.

[Aceyone]

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed.
She puts on her robe and goes down stairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of
coffee in front him. He appears deep in thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of coffee.
"What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room. "Why are you down here at this time of night?"
The husband looks up, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 17?"
he asks solemnly. The wife is touched thinking her
husband is so caring and sensitive. "Yes, I do," she replies.
The husband pauses. The words are not coming easily. "Do you remember when you father caught us in the back seat of my car?"
"Yes, I remember," says the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside
him. The husband continues..."Do you remember when he shoved a
shotgun in my face and said, "Either you marry my
daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years".
"I remember that too", she replies softly.
He wipes another tear from his cheek and says... "I would have gotten out today!"

[Aceyone]

A Colonel was about to start the morning briefing to his staff. While waiting for the coffee machine to finish brewing, the Colonel decided to pose a question to all assembled. He explained that his wife had been a bit frisky the night before and he failed to get his usual amount of sound sleep. He posed the question of just how much of sex was "work" and how much of it was "pleasure?"

A Major chimed in with 75%-25% in favor of work.

A Captain said it was 50%-50%.

A Lieutenant responded with 25%-75% in favor of pleasure, depending upon his state of inebriation at the time.

There being no consensus, the Colonel turned to the Private who was in charge of making the coffee and asked for HIS opinion?

Without any hesitation, the young Soldier responded, "Sir, it has to be 100% pleasure."

The colonel was surprised and as you might guess, asked why?

"Well, sir, if there was any work involved, the officers would have me doing it for them."

[Aceyone]

This one's for Dee

I was walking down the road the other day when I saw two current Manchester United season tickets nailed to a post,I thought yes ,I'll take them ,you never know when a couple of nails might come in handy

[Mayfly]

An old one but I still find it funny....

Who is Jack Schitt

For some time many of us have wondered just who is Jack Schitt?

We find ourselves at a loss when someone says, 'You don't know Jack
Schitt!'

Well, thanks to genealogy efforts, you can now respond in an
intellectual way.

Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt.

Awe Schitt was married to O. Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, and owner
of Needeep N. Schitt, Inc. They had one son, Jack.

In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt. The deeply religious couple
produced six children: Holie Schitt, Giva Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Bull
Schitt, and the twins Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt.

Against her parents' objections, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a
high school dropout.

After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced. Noe
Schitt later married Ted Sherlock, and because her kids were living
with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known as
Noe Schitt-Sherlock.

Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt, and they produced a son
with a rather nervous disposition who was nick-named Chicken Schitt.

Two of the other six children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, were
inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens
brothers in a dual ceremony.

The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens
nuptials.
The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd, and Horse.

Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world.
He recently returned from Italy with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt.

Now when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt,' you can correct
them.

Sincerely,



Crock O. Schitt

[Aceyone]

It was raining As the flood waters were rising, a man was on the roof of his house and another man in a row boat came by. The man in the row boat told the man on the stoop to get in and he'd save him. The man on the stoop said, no, he had faith in God and would wait for God to save him. The flood waters kept rising and the man had to go to the second floor of his house. A man in a motor boat came by and told the man in the house to get in because he had come to rescue him. The man in the house said no thank you. He had perfect faith in God and would wait for God to save him. The flood waters kept rising. Pretty soon they were up to the man's roof and he got out on the roof. A helicopter then came by, lowered a rope and the pilot shouted down in the man in the house to climb up the rope because the helicopter had come to rescue him. The man in the house wouldn't get in. He told the pilot that he had faith in God and would wait for God to rescue him. The flood waters kept rising and the man in the house drowned. When he got to heaven, he asked God where he went wrong. He told God that he had perfect faith in God, but God had let him drown.




"What more do you want from me?" asked God. "I sent you two boats and a helicopter."

[Aceyone]

Teacher asks the kids in her junior school class

"What do you want to be when you grow up?"

Little Johnny says: "I wanna be a billionaire, go to the most expensive clubs, get me the finest bitch, give her a Ferrari worth over a million bucks, an apartment in Copacabana, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel throughout Europe, and an Infinite Visa Card, while banging her three times a day".

The teacher, shocked, and not knowing what to do with this horrible response from little Johnny, decides not to acknowledge what he said and simply tries to continue with the lesson . . . ..

"And how about you, Sarah?"

"I wanna be Johnny's bitch."

[Aceyone]

While walking past the water the other morning I noticed a character shouting "Allah be praised" and "Death to all infidels" and suddenly he tripped and fell into the water.


He was struggling to stay afloat because of all the explosives he was carrying. If he didn't get help he would surely drown.

Being a responsible citizen, and abiding by the law of the land that requires you to help those in distress, I informed the Police, the Coast Guard, the Immigration Office and even the Fire Dept.


It is now 11 a.m., the terrorist has drowned, and none of the authorities have yet to respond.






I'm starting to think I wasted four stamps.


--------------------------------



I was sitting at a Red light yesterday, minding my own business, patiently waiting for it to turn Green. A carload of bearded, young, loud Muslims, shouting anti-British slogans, with a half-burned Union Jack duct-taped to the boot lid of their car and a "Remember 9-11" slogan spray painted on the side, was stopped next to me. Suddenly they yelled, "Allah Akhbar!" and took off before the light changed.
Out of nowhere a bus came speeding through the junction and ran directly over their car, crushing it completely and killing everyone in it. For several minutes I sat in my car thinking to myself, "Bloody hell! That could have been me!"






So today, bright and early, I went out and got a job as a bus driver.

-----------------------------------

A rich man living in Darwin decided that he wanted to throw a party and invited all of his buddies and neighbours.


He also invited Colin, the only aborigine in the neighbourhood. He held the party around the pool in the backyard of his mansion.


Everyone was having a good time drinking, dancing, eating prawns, oysters, from the BBQ and flirting.


At the height of the party, the host said, 'I have a 15ft man-eating crocodile in my pool and I'll give a million dollars to anyone who has the balls to jump in.'


The words were barely out of his mouth when there was a loud splash and


everyone turned around and saw Colin in the pool fighting the croc, jabbing the croc in the eyes with his thumbs, throwing punches, doing all kinds of stuff like head butts and chokeholds, biting the croc on the tail and flipping the croc through the air like some kind of Judo Instructor.


The water was churning and splashing everywhere. Both Colin and the croc were screaming and raising hell… Finally Colin strangled the croc and let it float to the top like a dead goldfish.


Colin then slowly climbed out of the pool.
Everybody was just staring at him in disbelief.


The host says, 'Well, Colin, I reckon I owe you a million dollars.'


'Nah, you all right boss, I don't want it,' said Colin.


The rich man said, 'Man, I have to give you something. You won the bet. How about half a million bucks then?'


'No thanks... I don't want it,' answered Colin.


The host said, 'Come on, I insist on giving you something. That was amazing. How about a new Porsche and a Rolex and some stock options?’


Again, Colin said "No."


Confused, the rich man asked, 'Well Colin, then what do you want?


Colin said, ‘I want the B-----d who pushed me in.’

[Aceyone]

Back on January 9th, a group of HELLS ANGELS, South Carolina bikers were riding east on 378 when they saw a girl about to jump off the Pee Dee River Bridge. So they stopped.

George, their leader, a big burly man of 53, gets off his Harley, walks through a group of gawkers, past the State Trooper who was trying to talk her down off the railing, and says,
"Hey Baby . . . whatcha doin' up there on that railin'?"

She says tearfully, "I'm going to commit suicide!!"

While he didn't want to appear "sensitive," George also didn't want to miss this "be-a-legend" opportunity either so he asked . . . "Well, before you jump, Honey-Babe . . .
why don't you give ol' George here your best last kiss?"

So, with no hesitation at all, she leaned back over the railing and did just that . . .
and it was a long, deep, lingering kiss followed immediately by another even better one.

After they breathlessly finished, George gets a big thumbs-up approval from his biker-buddies, the onlookers, and even the State Trooper, and then says, "Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had! That's a real talent you're wasting there, Sugar Shorts. You could be famous if you rode with me. Why are you committing suicide?"

"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl."

It's still unclear whether she jumped or was pushed.

[Aceyone]

The Sensitive Man



A woman meets a man in a bar. They talk; they connect; they end up leaving together. They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment. She notices that one wall of is bedroom is completely filled with soft, sweet, cuddly Teddy Bears. There are three shelves in the bedroom, with hundreds and hundreds of cute, cuddly teddy bears carefully placed in rows, covering the entire wall. It was obvious that he had taken quite some time to lovingly arrange them and she was immediately touched by the amount of thought he had put into organizing the display. There were small bears all along the bottom shelf, medium-sized bears covering the length of the middle shelf, and huge, enormous bears running all the way along the top shelf. She found it strange for an obviously masculine guy to have such a large collection of Teddy Bears, she is quite impressed by his sensitive side but doesn't mention this to him. They share a bottle of wine and continue talking and, after awhile, she finds herself thinking, "Oh my God! Maybe, this guy could be the one! Maybe he could be the future father of my children?" She turns to him and kisses him lightly on the lips. He responds warmly. They continue to kiss, the passion builds, and he romantically lifts her in his arms and carries her into his bedroom where they rip off each other’s clothes and make hot, steamy love. She is so overwhelmed that she responds with more passion, more creativity, more heat than she has ever known. After an intense, explosive night of raw passion with this sensitive guy, they are lying there together in the afterglow. The woman rolls over, gently strokes his chest and asks coyly, "Well, how was it? "








The guy gently smiles at her, strokes her cheek, looks deeply into her eyes, and says:
"Help yourself to any prize from the middle shelf."