Jokes (WARNING - may contain adult humour!)...

[Aceyone]

[Jigsaw]

[Jigsaw]

[Nickolas]

My brother took being sent to jail really badly.

He refused all offers of food and drink, spat and swore at anyone who came near him, and smeared the walls with his own faeces.












































































After that, we never played Monopoly again.

[Jigsaw]

Oh dear

[Aceyone]

Just got sprayed by a lorry salting the road.......
Bastard, I shouted at him through gritted teeth.

[Nickolas]

I'm not going to eat any more Tesco burgers...last time I had one they gave me the trots...

Just got a batch of 200 Tesco beef burgers cheap, it only cost me a Pony

New kids food found in budget supermarket: My Lidl pony...

Despite the recent news, Tesco says that their beef burger sales remain stable...

Sat here reading the label on these Tesco burgers and it turns out they're fairly low in fat, but surprisingly high in Shergar.

I checked my tesco burgers in the fridge last night............ and they're off!!!

TESCO-would expect stock to trade down initially this morning, but not furlong

[Aceyone]

A Southerner is having his breakfast (coffee,bread, biscuits, and jam) when a Northerner chewing obnoxiously on gum sits down next to him.

The Southerner ignores the Northerner who, nevertheless, starts a
conversation.

Northerner: "When you Southern people eat bread, do you eat the whole
slice?"

Southerner : "Yes."

Northerner: (after blowing a huge bubble) "We don't. Up North, we
only eat what's inside. The crusts we collect in a container, recycle it,
then transform them into biscuits and send them to the South."

The Northerner has a smirk on his face. The Southerner listens in
silence.

The Northerner persists: "Do you eat jam with biscuits?"

Southerner: "Yes."

Northerner: (cracking and smacking his gum between his teeth and
chuckling). "We don't. Up North after we eat fruit for breakfast, we put all the
peels, seeds, and leftovers in containers, recycle them, transform
them into jam, and then send it down South.

Then the Southerner asks: "Do you have sex up North?"

Northerner: "Why of course we do", the Northerner says, as he pops
another big bubble.

Southerner: "And what do you do with the condoms once you use 'them ?

Northerner: "We throw them away, of course.

Southerner: We don't. Down South we put 'em in a jar, recycle 'em,
melt'em down into chewing gum and sell 'em to you Northerners

[Aceyone]

Sad news: my mate got sacked from B&Q today for hitting an African woman......
He misunderstood the instruction from his supervisor of 'Go and get a Black & Decker'.

Still I was in the power tool island when a drill hit me on the head, just standing there and BOSCH!

[Aceyone]

An American Journalist did a story on gender roles in Kabul, Afghanistan, several years before the Afghan conflict.
She noted that women customarily walked five paces behind their husbands.
She recently returned to Kabul and observed that women still walk behind their husbands. Despite the overthrow of the oppressive Taliban regime, the women now seem happy to maintain the old custom.
She approached one of the Afghani women and asked, 'Why do you now seem happy with an old custom that you once tried so desperately to change?'
The woman looked her straight in the eyes, and without hesitation
said,









































'Land mines'

[Xplumberlives]

I think someone really needs to grap his camera and GET OUT MORE!!!!!!!

[Aceyone]

Since this bad weather has hit all my wife does is stare through the window ! if it gets any worse I may have to let her in !

[Jigsaw]

[Aceyone]

[Mackrick]

If the military ordered a cat from a supplier they would get a dog with a mod kit.........

[Nickolas]

[Nickolas]

https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?v=10151187570226607

[Aceyone]

As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, “If I’m going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman.”

She removes all her clothing and asks, “Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?”

A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, “Here, iron this!”.

[Mackrick]

[Aceyone]

A huge and very muscular with a tiny head walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender hands him the beer and says, “You know, I’m not gay but I want to compliment you on your physique, it really is phenomenal! I have a question though, why is your head so small?”

The big guy nods slowly. He’s obviously fielded this question many times and begins to tell the story of how, one day he was hunting when I got lost in the woods when he heard someone crying for help.

“I soon realised that it was coming from a frog sitting next to a stream, so I picked up the frog and, to my surprise, it asked me to kiss it, saying that it would turn into a genie and grant me three wishes.So I looked around to make sure I was alone and I gave the frog a kiss. And POOF! The frog turned into a beautiful, voluptuous, naked woman who offered me three wishes. So, I looked down at my scrawny body and said, ‘I want a body like Arnold Schwarzenneger.‘

She nodded, whispered a spell, and POOF! There I was, so huge that I ripped out of my clothes and was standing there naked! She then asked, ‘What will be your second wish?‘

I looked hungrily at her beautiful body and replied, ‘I want to make sensuous love with you here by this stream.‘ She nodded, laid down and beckoned me to join her and we made love for hours!

Later, as we lay there next to each other, sweating from our glorious lovemaking, she whispered into my ear, ‘You know that you still have one more wish. What will it be?‘

I looked at her and replied, ‘How about a little head?‘.”
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A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports coupé when she was pulled over by a woman police officer, also blonde.

When the cop reached the side of the vehicle, she asked to see the blonde driver’s license. After a little while digger through her purse, the driver was getting progressively more agitated. “What does it look like?” she finally asked.
-
The policewoman replied, “It’s square and it has your picture on it.”

The driver finally found a square mirror in her purse, looked at it and handed it to the policewoman. “Here it is.”

The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying, “OK, you can go now. I didn’t realize you were a cop!”

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The FBI had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews, and testing were done, there were 3 finalists. Two men and a woman.

For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. “We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances. Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill Her!”

The man said, “You can’t be serious, I could never shoot my wife.” The agent said, “Then you’re not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home.”

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes before the man came out with tears in his eyes, “I tried, but I can’t kill my wife.” The agent said, “You don’t have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.”

Finally, it was the woman’s turn. She was given instructions to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow.

When she emerged, the FBI agents asked her what had happened. “Well, someone had loaded the gun with blanks. But don’t worry, I beat him to death with the chair!”

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An 85-year-old man went to his doctor’s office to get a sperm count. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, “Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow.”

The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor’s office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asked what happened and the man explained:

“Well, doc, it’s like this – First I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing.

Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, and still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit and she even tried squeezin’ it between her knees, but still nothing.”

The doctor was shocked! “You asked your neighbour?”

The old man replied, “Yep. And no matter what we tried, we still couldn’t get the jar open.”

Thats all !

[Aceyone]

Dad cooks a deer and doesn't tell the kids what it is.He gives them one clue " It's what your Mother calls me "

The boy yells " It's a f---ing dick.don't eat it "

[Gaz]

I've started a business building yachts in my attic.

Sails are going through the roof!!

[Aceyone]

I've started a business building yachts in my attic.

Sails are going through the roof!!

[Nickolas]

Two Jewish men, Sid and Al, were sitting in a Indian restaurant in New York . Sid asked Al, 'Are there any Jewish people of our faith born and raised in India ?'Al replied, 'I don't know, let's just ask our waiter.'When the waiter came by,
Al asked him, 'Are there any Indian Jews?'
The waiter said, 'I doont be knowing,
I ask cooksaheb..' He returned from the kitchen in a few minutes and said, 'No sir, no Indian Jews.'
Al wasn't really satisfied with that and asked, 'Are you absolutely sure?'
The waiter, realizing he was dealing with 'foreigners' gave the expected answer, 'I check again,' and went back into the kitchen.
While the waiter was away in the kitchen, Sid said, 'I find it hard to believe that there are no Jews in India . Our people are scattered everywhere.
The­ waiter returned and said, 'Cooksaheb say there is no Indian Jews.
''Are you certain?' Al asked once again, 'I just can't believe there are no Indian Jews!''
"Listen!! I asked EVERYONE,' replied the frustrated waiter. 'All we have is Mango Jews, Pineapple Jews, Orange Jews, Cococnut Jews & Tomato Jews! - No Indian Jews !!

[Nickolas]

Subject: Something to offend everyone!

News flashes:

Now on sale at IKEA - beds for lesbians: no nuts or screwing involved, it's all tongue and groove.

A Muslim has been shot with a starting pistol; police say it's definitely race related.

Due to a water shortage in Ireland , Dublin swimming baths have announced they are closing lanes 7 and 8.

I got a letter from Screw Fix Direct thanking me for my interest, but explaining they were not a dating agency.

The lead actor in the local pantomime production of Aladdin was anally raped by the gay genie on stage last night - to be fair the audience did try to warn him.

Such an unfair world. When a man talks dirty to a woman its considered sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man its £2.50/min (charges may vary)

Got stopped in the street outside Boots today by a woman with a clipboard asking "What products do I use for grooming?" She was a bit taken aback when I replied, "Facebook".

Just booked a table for Valentine's Day for me and the wife. Bound to end in tears though - she's crap at snooker.

Met a beautiful girl down at the park today. Sparks flew, she fell at my feet and we ended up having sex there and then. God, I love my new Taser!

Got a new Jack Russell pup today, he's mainly black and brown with just a small white area so I've called him Bradford.

If you get an email telling you that you can catch Swine Flu from tins of ham then delete it. It's Spam.

They say that sex is the best form of exercise. Now correct me if I'm wrong but I don't think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 6 months is going to shift this beer belly.

I've just watched a documentary about children being beaten and abused in Indian sweat shops. Looking at the quality of stitching on my new trainers the little bastards deserved it!

When I was a kid people used to cover me in chocolate and cream and put a cherry on my head. Yeah, life was tough in the gateau.