Jokes (WARNING - may contain adult humour!)...

Word games, jokes, funny Youtube clips and general joviality

Re: Jokes (WARNING - may contain adult humour!)...

Postby Mayfly » Mon Aug 06, 2012 1:08 pm

Some oldies but still raise a smile....

Michael Buerk, as he watched Phillippa Forrester cuddle up to a male astronomer for warmth during BBC1's UK eclipse coverage:
"They seem cold out there, they're rubbing each other and he's only come in his shorts."

Chris Tarrant discussing the first Millionaire winner Judith Keppel on 'This Morning': "She was practising fastest finger first on her own in bed last night."

Clair Frisby talking about a jumbo hot dog on 'Look North' said:
"There's nothing like a big hot sausage inside you on a cold night like this."

Carenza Lewis, about finding food in the Middle Ages on 'Time Team
Live', said:
"You'd eat beaver if you could get it."

A female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have
snowed and hadn't, turned to the weatherman and asked:
"So Bob, where's that eight inches you promised me last night?" (The weatherman and half the crew were so helpless with laughter they had to leave the set.)

Our best source, as ever, is the sports programme... Bobby Simpson, commenting on cricketer Neil Fairbrother's shot: "With his lovely soft hands, he just tossed it off."

Mike Hallett, discussing missed snooker shots on Sky Sports:
"Stephen Hendry jumps on Steve Davis's misses every chance he gets."

Jack Burnicle was talking about Colin Edwards' tyre choice on World Superbike racing:
"Colin had a hard on in practice earlier, and I bet he wishes he had a hard on now."

'Winning Post's' Stewart Machin commentating on jockey Tony McCoy's
formidable lead:
"Tony has a quick look between his legs and likes what he sees."

Ross King discussing relays with champion runner Phil Redmond:
"Well Phil, tell us about your amazing third leg."

Ken Brown commentating on golfer Nick Faldo and his caddie Fanny
Sunneson lining-up shots at the Scottish Open (an old favourite):
"Some weeks Nick likes to use Fanny, other weeks he prefers to do it by himself."

James Allen interviewing Ralf Schumacher at a Grand Prix, asked:
"What does it feel like being rammed up the backside by Barrichello?"

Steve Ryder covering the US Masters:
"Ballesteros felt much better today after a 69."

Willie Carson was telling Claire Balding how jockeys prepare for a big race
when he said: "They usually have four or five dreams a night about coming from different positions."

US PGA Commentator:
"One of the reasons Arnie (Arnold Palmer) is playing so well is that, before each tee shot, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them .....
Oh my god, what have I just said?!"

Metro Radio:
"Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the field."

Harry Carpenter at the Oxford-Cambridge boat race 1977 (the most famous of all?):
"Ah, isn't that nice? The wife of the Cambridge President is kissing the cox of the Oxford crew."

New Zealand Rugby Commentator:
"Andrew Mehrtens loves it when Daryl Gibson comes inside of him."

Pat Glenn, weightlifting commentator:
"And this is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing!"
In memory of a very dear friend - Mike Pearson

Very fond memories of Robbie Gilvary - DTs 1st Vulcan Captain who taught DT all he knew.
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Re: Jokes (WARNING - may contain adult humour!)...

Postby Xplumberlives » Mon Aug 06, 2012 1:23 pm

Yes indeed Pam some oldies there but well worth another airing!
"All modern aircraft have 4 dimensions: span, length, height and politics.
TSR-2 simply got the first 3 right. ”
— Sir Sydney Camm
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Re: Jokes (WARNING - may contain adult humour!)...

Postby Aceyone » Mon Aug 06, 2012 2:24 pm

:)) :))
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Re: Jokes (WARNING - may contain adult humour!)...

Postby Gaz » Mon Aug 06, 2012 2:33 pm

After watching and re-watching the Heptathlon the other night, I've had to have a couple of days off due to a bad case of Ennis elbow!
NB; Any negative comments I post about the Vulcan are posted SOLELY to wind Gregg up!
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Re: Jokes (WARNING - may contain adult humour!)...

Postby Xplumberlives » Mon Aug 06, 2012 2:41 pm

Don't give up your DAY JOB! :-o
"All modern aircraft have 4 dimensions: span, length, height and politics.
TSR-2 simply got the first 3 right. ”
— Sir Sydney Camm
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Re: Jokes (WARNING - may contain adult humour!)...

Postby Aceyone » Mon Aug 06, 2012 2:53 pm

8-| :))
Take only photographs,leave only footprints .
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Re: Jokes (WARNING - may contain adult humour!)...

Postby Jigsaw » Mon Aug 06, 2012 4:33 pm

:)) :)) :ymapplause:
God created man because a vibrator can't mow the lawn!

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Re: Jokes (WARNING - may contain adult humour!)...

Postby Ray C » Mon Aug 13, 2012 6:34 pm

Did your hear about the dyslexic agnostic insomniac, who lay awake all night wondering why god was a dog ?
Be yourself...everyone else is taken...!
Oscar Wilde.
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Re: Jokes (WARNING - may contain adult humour!)...

Postby Jigsaw » Mon Aug 13, 2012 7:17 pm

Oh dear :))
God created man because a vibrator can't mow the lawn!

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Re: Jokes (WARNING - may contain adult humour!)...

Postby Ray C » Mon Aug 13, 2012 7:21 pm

Just putting my toe in the water !
Be yourself...everyone else is taken...!
Oscar Wilde.
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Re: Jokes (WARNING - may contain adult humour!)...

Postby Aceyone » Tue Aug 14, 2012 11:02 am

:))
Take only photographs,leave only footprints .
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Re: Jokes (WARNING - may contain adult humour!)...

Postby Nickolas » Tue Sep 25, 2012 2:42 pm

AN ALTAR BOY'S CONFESSION............

'Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl.'
The priest asks, 'Is that you, little Joey Pagano?'


'Yes, Father, it is.' 'And who was the girl you were with?' ! 'I can't
tell you, Father, I don't want to ruin her reputation.'

'Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may
as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?'

'I cannot say.' 'Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?' 'I'll never tell.' 'Was it
Nina Capelli?' ! 'I'm sorry, but I cannot name her.' 'Was it Cathy
Piriano?' 'My lips are sealed.'

'Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?'

'Please, Father, I cannot tell you.'

The priest sighs in frustration. 'You're very tight lipped, and I
admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an
altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself.' Joey
walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers,
'What'd you get?'

'Four months’ vacation and five good leads...
Proud parent of Tom.com & King Willy.
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Re: Jokes (WARNING - may contain adult humour!)...

Postby RLN » Fri Nov 16, 2012 3:41 pm

Christmas carols for the psychiatrically challenged:


Schizophrenia — Do You Hear What I Hear?
Multiple Personality Disorder — We Three Queens Disoriented Are
Dementia — I Think I’ll be Home for Christmas
Narcissistic — Hark the Herald Angles Sing About Me
Manic — Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office and Town and Cars and Buses and Trucks and trees and Fire Hydrants and……
Paranoid — Santa Claus is Coming to Get me
Borderline Personality Disorder — Thoughts of Roasting on an Open Fire
Personality Disorder — You Better Watch Out, I’m Gonna Cry, I’m Gonna Pout, Maybe I’ll tell You Why
Obsessive Compulsive Disorder —Jingle Bells, jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells…


Free Sex:


A gas station owner in Texas was trying to increase his sales. So he put up a sign that read, “Free Sex with Fill-Up.” Soon a local redneck pulled in, filled his tank and asked for his free sex.

The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10. If he guessed correctly he would get his free sex. The redneck guessed 8, and the proprietor said, “You were close. The number was 7. Sorry. No sex this time.”

A week later, the same redneck, along with his brother, Bubba, pulled in for another fill-up. Again he asked for his free sex. The proprietor again gave him the same story, and asked him to guess the correct number. The redneck guessed 2 this time.

The proprietor said, “Sorry, it was 3. You were close, but no free sex this time.”

As they were driving away, the redneck said to his brother, “I think that game is rigged, and he doesn’t really give away free sex.”

Bubba replied, “No it ain’t, Billy Ray. It ain’t rigged. My wife won twice last week.”
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Re: Jokes (WARNING - may contain adult humour!)...

Postby Nickolas » Wed Nov 21, 2012 11:11 pm

A good friend has just been fired from his job with the 999 Emergency Call Centre in London.

Allegedly a chap called Abdul phoned and said, "I'm depressed and lying on the railway track waiting for the train to come, so I can finally meet Allah."
Apparently, "Remain calm and stay on the line" was the wrong response.
Proud parent of Tom.com & King Willy.
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Re: Jokes (WARNING - may contain adult humour!)...

Postby Jigsaw » Fri Dec 07, 2012 9:28 am

Delete at will ;) :))

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God created man because a vibrator can't mow the lawn!

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Re: Jokes (WARNING - may contain adult humour!)...

Postby Xplumberlives » Fri Dec 07, 2012 11:37 am

Jigsaw wrote:Delete at will ;) :))

Image




I misread that as CANDLES at first! :-o
"All modern aircraft have 4 dimensions: span, length, height and politics.
TSR-2 simply got the first 3 right. ”
— Sir Sydney Camm
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Re: Jokes (WARNING - may contain adult humour!)...

Postby Aceyone » Fri Dec 07, 2012 12:26 pm

:))
Take only photographs,leave only footprints .
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Re: Jokes (WARNING - may contain adult humour!)...

Postby Jigsaw » Fri Dec 07, 2012 5:23 pm

Funnily enough Dave, I misread it exactly the same initially ;)
God created man because a vibrator can't mow the lawn!

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Re: Jokes (WARNING - may contain adult humour!)...

Postby Sploosher » Fri Dec 07, 2012 10:40 pm

not been in here for a while, must be time for me to put some more jokes onlne................ :ymdevil:
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Re: Jokes (WARNING - may contain adult humour!)...

Postby RLN » Fri Dec 07, 2012 10:41 pm

%-(
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Re: Jokes (WARNING - may contain adult humour!)...

Postby Jigsaw » Sat Dec 08, 2012 8:10 am

Sploosher wrote:not been in here for a while, must be time for me to put some more jokes onlne................ :ymdevil:


It would make a change mate. You haven't managed it yet :p :o)
God created man because a vibrator can't mow the lawn!

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Re: Jokes (WARNING - may contain adult humour!)...

Postby Xplumberlives » Sat Dec 08, 2012 4:03 pm

Jigsaw wrote:
Sploosher wrote:not been in here for a while, must be time for me to put some more jokes onlne................ :ymdevil:


It would make a change mate. You haven't managed it yet :p :o)




:ymapplause: :ymapplause: :ymapplause: :ymapplause: :ymapplause: :ymapplause: :ymapplause: Bravo Jiggy! =))
"All modern aircraft have 4 dimensions: span, length, height and politics.
TSR-2 simply got the first 3 right. ”
— Sir Sydney Camm
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Re: Jokes (WARNING - may contain adult humour!)...

Postby Sploosher » Sat Dec 08, 2012 4:36 pm

Xplumberlives wrote:
Jigsaw wrote:
Sploosher wrote:not been in here for a while, must be time for me to put some more jokes onlne................ :ymdevil:


It would make a change mate. You haven't managed it yet :p :o)




:ymapplause: :ymapplause: :ymapplause: :ymapplause: :ymapplause: :ymapplause: :ymapplause: Bravo Jiggy! =))


theres a first time for everything................. :))
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Re: Jokes (WARNING - may contain adult humour!)...

Postby Dan4th » Tue Dec 11, 2012 6:09 pm

Got this in an E-mail this morning.........

Merry Christmas to all!

I would like to share a personal experience about drinking and driving.

As you know, some of us have had brushes with the authorities on our way home from an occasional social gathering over the years.

A couple of nights ago, I was out for an evening with friends and had a few glasses of a rather nice red wine.

Knowing full well I may have been slightly over the limit, I did something I've never done before - I took a cab home. Sure enough, I passed a police roadblock but, since it was a cab, they waved it past.

I arrived home safely without incident, which was a real surprise, as I have never driven a cab before and am not sure where I got it or what to do with it now that it's in my garage.


Ken P


Danf. :))
I like to do my planning retroactively!
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Re: Jokes (WARNING - may contain adult humour!)...

Postby RLN » Tue Dec 11, 2012 7:14 pm

Sploosher..take note. That was a joke. ;) :))
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