Jokes (WARNING - may contain adult humour!)...

[Saracenman]

one to start you off:

My ex-wife started taking flying lessons about the time our divorce started and she got her license shortly before our divorce was final, later that same year.

Yesterday afternoon I got a phone call, that she narrowly escaped injury in the aircraft she was piloting. Seems she was forced to make an emergency landing in Hamilton because of bad weather. Thank God the kids weren't with her.

The FAA issued a preliminary report, citing pilot error: She was flying a single engine aircraft in IFR (instrument flight rating) conditions while only having obtained a VFR (visual flight rating).

The absence of a post-crash fire was likely due to insufficient fuel on board. No one on the ground was injured.

The photograph below was taken at the scene to show the extent of damage to her aircraft.

She was really lucky.



















































sm

[MadNaddy]

You BAD


But BLOOMIN funny

[Tom.com]

lol

[Mayfly]

[Tom.com]

Two blonde pilots based at Gatwick were flying a 737 back to Heathrow full of passengers for the fist time. They landed but went straight off the end of the runway and crashed, luckily nobody was hurt. Crash investigaters were looking into what went wrong and interviewed the pilots. The blondes said "I don't know what went wrong" they said, "It's a normal runway, 3902m wide and 50m long"

[Mayfly]

[Saracenman]

[Wizzy]

After the annual office Christmas party blowout, John woke up with a pounding headache, cotton-mouthed, and utterly unable to recall the events of the preceding evening. After a trip to the bathroom, he was able to make his way downstairs, where his wife put some coffee in front of him.

"Louise," he moaned, "tell me what went on last night. Was it as bad as I think?"

"Even worse," she assured him, voice dripping with scorn.

"You made a complete ass of yourself, succeeded in antagonizing the entire board of directors, and insulted the President of the company to his face."

"He's an asshole - p*ss on him!"

"You did," Louise informed him. "And he fired you."

"Well, scr*w him!" said John.

"I did. You're back at work on Monday!"

[Tom.com]

lol

[RLN]

Don't let Jangor get a sniff of this thread

[Wizzy]

Not likely - these ones are actually funny!!!

[Dawnie]

Why Parents Drink‏

The boss wondered why one of his most valued employees was absent but had not phoned in sick one day. Needing to have an urgent problem with one of the main computers resolved, he dialled the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whisper. ' Hello ? '

'Is your daddy home?' he asked.

' Yes ,' whispered the small voice.
May I talk with him?'

The child whispered, ' No .'

Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, 'Is your Mummy there?' ' Yes '

'May I talk with her?' Again the small voice whispered, ' No '

Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, 'Is anybody else there?'

' Yes , ' whispered the child, ' a policeman . '

Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, 'May I speak with the policeman?'

' No, he's busy , ' whispered the child.

'Busy doing what?'

' Talking to Daddy and Mummy and the Fireman , ' came the whispered answer.

Growing more worried as he heard a loud noise in the background through the earpiece on the phone, the boss asked, 'What is that noise?'

' A helicopter ' answered the whispering voice.

'What is going on there?' demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive. Again, whispering, the child answered,

' The search team just landed a helicopter '

Alarmed, concerned and a little frustrated the boss asked, 'What are they searching for?'

Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle...

' ME . '

[MadNaddy]

ROFL!

Hang on .................

That would be my youngest who would pull a prank like that - she's got the devil in her she has, a rather cheeky devil! (She's fantastic!)

Although the other 2 are almost expert now LOL.

[Tom.com]

i wouldn't be able to find a hiding spot big enough in my house to do that

[Danny]

Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was
really Upset.

She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the
driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!"

The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke
up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box
gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.

Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought
the box back in the house.

She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Bob has been missing since Friday.


Made me lol

[Saracenman]

[Tom.com]

[RLN]

An elderly couple were attending Mass.
About halfway through, the wife leans over and says to her husband, 'I just let out a silent fart; what do you think I should do?
He replies, 'Put a new battery in your hearing aid.'

[Mayfly]

like it

[RLN]

Wife gets naked & asks hubby,'What turns you on more, my pretty face or my sexy body?'
Hubby looks her up & down and replies,'Your sense of humour!'

[Stevieboy]

There was a blonde who found herself sitting next to a Lawyer on an airplane. The lawyer just kept bugging the blonde wanting her to play a game of intelligence. Finally, the lawyer offered her 10 to 1 odds, and said every time the blonde could not answer one of his questions, she owed him $5, but every time he could not answer hers, he'd give her $50.00. The lawyer figured he could not lose, and the blonde reluctantly accepted.

The lawyer first asked, "What is the distance between the Earth and the nearest star?"

Without saying a word the blonde handed him $5. then the blonde asked, "What goes up a hill with 3 legs and comes back down the hill with 4 legs?"

Well, the lawyer looked puzzled. He took several hours, looking up everything he could on his laptop and even placing numerous air-to-ground phone calls trying to find the answer. Finally, angry and frustrated, he gave up and paid the blonde $50.00

The blonde put the $50 into her purse without comment, but the lawyer insisted, "What is the answer to your question?"

Without saying a word, the blonde handed him $5.

[Mayfly]

SM take note

seems everyone got out of bed on the rightside this morning

[RLN]

A boy asks his granny, 'Have you seen my pills, they were labelled LSD?'
Granny replies, 'Fu *k the pills, have you seen the purple dragons in the kitchen?!'

[IanM]

[Wizzy]

A woman's husband has died. After a few months, she decides she wants a new one. She submits a classified ad as follows:

"Widow looking for a new husband. To be considered, you must
conform to these three criteria:

1 - You can't beat me (as my first husband did).
2 - You can't run around on me (as my first husband did).
3 - You MUST be good in bed (as my first husband wasn't)."

A few days later, the doorbell rings. She opens the door and a man without any arms and or legs is sitting in a wheel chair.

"Can I help you?" she says. "I'm here about your ad in the paper."

"Which ad is that?" "The one looking for a husband."

She says, "Uhm, well, there were certain criteria..." "Yes, I know. Obviously, I could never beat you... I have no arms."

"Well, yes, I see that... but there were other criteria." "And, as you can see, I could never run around on you... I have no legs."

"Well, yes, that's true... but there was one other thing that is very important..."

"Ah, yes, well... how do you think I rang the door bell?"